Pressing On

It all started when I saw this last night on Facebook before retiring for the night.  Slam door in my face - bam.  Wake up, Ashley.  You've had a bad day - but you'd definitely be one to grab your own problems back.  They're nothing compared to some.  I "liked" it, because the truth had struck me.  Emotions started to change course within me some.

THEN...

I decided to get caught up on Lane Goodwin.  For those of you don't know or haven't followed this angel's story, stop.  A couple of things you must wait upon before you do so.  1. Please wait until your least favorite Aunt comes to visit and has jacked up your hormones.  2. Please wait until you've had one of those bad days where motivation is nowhere to be found, slight despondency has sunk in, your attitude has downright wreaked throughout the day, not much accomplished and just feel the shade of a deep midnight blue.  NOW, you will feel like I did and can start to read up on Lane.  

Honestly, I'd rather you do this when you can control your tears.  In my womanly state of madness, I couldn't.

Meet Lane.

Only a child.

With cancer.  No cure.  Several relapses.

Over a quarter of a million caring people were following Lane's journey by his mother's postings on a fan page created near 3 years ago.  She was faithful to post pictures and updates on Lane's condition - good or bad.  Last night, going through her pictures, my heart broke.  Completely.

To see an innocent child have to suffer through bouts of chemo and all of its nightmarish side effects. To see the pain of a mother have to watch her baby boy suffering and not being able to cure the illness.
To see the once active, mobile, energetic boy become weak, wheel-chair bound, and monsterous cancer eating away at him.
To see a younger brother's tears and pleading for his best friend to never leave him.
To see Lane's favorite place to fall asleep, snuggled up against his daddy's chest.
To see this big, beautiful smile coming from this victim of cancer - a fighter who didn't deserve any of the deep, dark valleys he was forced to take at such a young age.

It ALL made me sob.  I felt sincere anguish for everything that this dear family had to go through.

Lane's battle with cancer ended this past week.  He has now received a full healing from His Heavenly Father, a new body, no more nausea, no more tears, happy and FULL of life fishing on the banks of some glorious river.

But, with the reality that comes when a loved one, a CHILD, is taken pre-maturely, Lane's family is devastated with the loss of their hero.  His mom posted yesterday, "I miss my sweet Lane so badly," with a picture of Lane, head on her shoulder and his arms wrapped around her neck.  Those arms never to embrace her again.  They're wishing they could have spent more time with him.  Here on earth.  Questioning why God couldn't have intervened and caused the cancer to flee their child's body.  So much pain and heartache for them right now.

Back to my life - my 'bad' day.  JOLTED to the realization that I have nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, in comparison to the problems that this one family faced for the past couple of years and is now coping with the finality of the passing of their son.  This along with the story of the millions of others who have monumental problems weighing them down.  Nearly suffocating them.

Not me.  I am beyond blessed.  My list of blessings far exceed my few and minuscule problems that I face some days.

So last night/early morning, before I was even able to crawl into bed, Drake did his nightly wake up routine around 3:30.  Instead of letting him cry it out, I gave in.  Without a fight.  It wasn't a normal night.  I went and picked him up, thankful that I could.  I listened to him giggle and talk.  In the middle of the night...definitely not my child.  He'd hug me real tight.  I relished it.  After I laid him back down minutes later, he was fast asleep.  I laid on the couch to be near him.  I didn't mind this slight interruption one bit.  I mean, I still HAVE him HERE with me.  Alive. Healthy.

After I'd been sleeping for 20 or so minutes, Cole woke up and came out of his room.  Very abnormal.  "Mommy, dan I have a popsicle?"  Seriously?  Uh no.  But at least he's more like a child of mine.  Thinking of food at 4:15 in the morning.  I put him back into his crib, popicleless.  AND...I climbed into Cole's crib with him.  Not wise, considering I had a neck injury yesterday and could've been paralyzed by morning due to heavily cramped conditions.  (Then I actually might have something to be down in the dumps about.) But, it was the night for unusualness.  I  didn't mind getting woken up after not having hardly any sleep.  To me, it was a reminder that my problems were skimming the surface.  I am very, very blessed to have my two special children to share life with...no matter what hour of the day or night it is.

Down life's bumpy road, these memories made tonight will sustain me.   Memories like these will bring me back to the crossroads where someone I've never met and has already lived and passed away has changed my outlook on life.  Who helped me lose focus of my own selfish, minute problems and regained sight of the bigger picture of life once again.

Reading Lane's story caused so many unexpected thoughts to run through my head.  I had stayed up for hours into the morning.  Praying.  Seeking God.  I truly want to be made into EVERYTHING He has for me.  I want to fulfill His purpose for my life.  I don't want to get caught up with the petty messes of my life - the issues that the enemy tries to magnify and defeat me with - so I'm unable to be aware and have compassion for those hurting far worse than I am.

Prayers, thoughts, and love are with you, dear Goodwin family. ❤

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